work of fiction

A man’s face is his autobiography. A woman’s face is her work of fiction.

Oscar Wilde

 

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broken

Thanks for the idea Coco J. Ginger and the Boy with a Hat. after reading your amazing posts about what a broken heart feels like, I absolutely had to write my own…..i could only wish i could express my feelings in such an amazing, eloquent way.

to me a broken heart feels like you will never be you again. like no one ever really ‘saw’ the real you before, and no one ever will again. it feels like the mask, the protection has been ripped off, exposing you to the harshest conditions. like everything, your whole life has been an act, the whole world a stage and you, an actor. but you never knew…and the only thing real was your pain. and being forced back on stage to continue the act. but knowing it isn’t real. and no one else knows they are acting. and wanting to scream. wanting to tell them. none of it is real. but you can’t, the show must go on. and you must keep acting.

but inside it boils.

its living in an isolated world, a world you deliberately created. one that was once inhabited with love and light but is now full of sorrow and loneliness. and being trapped there. unable to leave. being alone. it is anger and betrayal. and the feeling that your life will never be the same, that you will never be the same. it is fear. it is raw feelings, without a canvas to pile them. its emotions without the ability to discover them, to communicate them. frustration. it is words without speech. it is an explosion of anger, fear, loathing, sickness, and sadness. it is art without an artist. it is sickness. it is torturing yourself. it is reliving every perfect moment, only to have each ripped away again by a startling reality. it is waking up from a perfect dream before the end. it is the realization that you are dreaming while you are still asleep… it is feeling broken.

like discovering a secret. a magical secret so grand and amazing that it fundamentally changes you. and then being forced to go back. to go back and to live in the world with out the secret. but knowing the magic exists, and being forced to live without it.

it is your subconscious understanding what you refuse to. it is hoping for ‘someday’ knowing that full well that day will never come. knowing that if you let it you will lose yourself… and wanting to anyways. and hating yourself for wanting.

it is wanting what you can never have.

it is the dream i had about you. it wasn’t even a good dream, but one full of heartbreak and sadness. full of realism. but i was still with you. i held you. and you let me. but even in the dream, we both know it wouldn’t last. that i would go home, tortured by the situation and that you would go home to your new girlfriend. but still. i wake up happy…vibrating for a few seconds. and then it goes away, because you go away. but still this dream is the highlight of my day, preferable to reality, because at least i was with you. while all the while breaking me.

it is feeling broken because it seems like there is only one person who could ever love you like that. who crazily seemed to to love you more and more with every day. more and more each time he discovered more about you…who said forever. who changed his mind. who thought you were worthy, beautiful, and smart. who changed his mind. who found someone more beautiful. more worthy. and smarter.

it is seeing a perfect family and discovering they are unhappy. it is marriage without love. it is being either a liar or a coward. or both. it is sleepless nights followed by sleepless nights. like going out and being blinded by the sun.

it is losing connections to the world. becoming a recluse when what you really need people. it is retreating…wanting to escape, to move away. to start somewhere new and fresh. it is being scared to share your feelings. it is sharing a secret and being judged. it is your best friend not knowing, not understanding you anymore. it is not knowing what to say, when someone really needs you. feeling like something isn’t right, but not knowing what. like losing your best friend, who you thought you would have forever. it is regret. regret for all the things you didn’t say. regret for all the things that scared you. regret for taking it for granted. and not realizing how lucky you are to fall in love with your best friend… and then losing not only the person you love, but your best friend…and regretting not being good enough.

it is the feeling of being literally deleted. being deleted. removed, gone. in the virtual world this is so easy. if only it was so easy to delete them from your heart and mind…the memories. the feelings. i don’t understand… how can you do that so easily? it is wallowing in depressing music. it is reading old text messages and emails. it is going to listen to the playlist you made me and finding it gone. deleted. it is knowing we can never go back. that we will never be friends. knowing that i can’t talk to you. it is the joke about call me maybe that made me think of you. that made me want to to talk to you. to tell you about. it is the library card rap song that i know you would love. it is the story my dad told me about being a minister when he was 22 that i know would make you laugh. it is not being able to talk to you when that is all i want in the world.

it is hoping that someday you regret losing me…that you realize what we had. but hoping you don’t, because i want you to be happy. but wishing i was the one who made you happy. and knowing it doesn’t matter. but wishing it did.

it is seeing your new girlfriend telling you she loves you. it is virtual stalking. its my heartbreaking each time i see it. it is wishing i could delete you. and remembering your favorite movie, eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. it is remembering you telling me that no matter how difficult it was you would never want to erase me…but i want to erase you. because it hurts too much. it is you telling me every decision in your life brought you to me. it is a lie. it is me relating to kirsten dunst’s character. repeatedly falling for someone who doesn’t even care and uses her… and wondering if that would be my fate. but then remembering who you are, and knowing you would never do that to me. and falling in love with you all over again, only to be broken once again.

100 Things That Make Me Happy Part 4

#31. Drawing

#32. Hearing the sound of the ocean at the beach

I just really love the ocean. I love being near it, I love watching it, I love listening to it.

#33.  Having people understand, even if you can barely get the words out.

Sometimes it is really hard to say the things that we need to say. It is hard because the longer we wait, the more afraid we become we will be rejected or judged. But good friends don’t judge or reject us, they love us regardless. And often, they understand. Even when we can’t say the words. And they are there for us. These are the friends that truly matter.

#34. Soccer

I played soccer for 15 years. I probably would have played longer, but have significantly injured myself twice making it rather difficult. Regardless, I love it. I have been through a lot with the sport, times of resentment and even hate. But I think that those were really my issues. Now I love to see the children playing at the park by my house. It makes me so happy to see the joy it brings to them. And I really miss it.


#35. Seeing an airplane fly above you, and thinking about all the people on board and where they are going. If they are going home, if they are moving, or going on a trip? Thinking about their lives…And their travels…

#36. The Smell of Books

It makes me so happy! I love actual, physical books. I HATE kindles and nooks or whatever. I will not get one till forced (hopefully never). It just isn’t the same.

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#37. Used Books/ Used Bookstore

I think that there is something extra special about used books. They have lived. There was life before you, I don’t know maybe I’m crazy. But I always think about the person who had my used book before me. What they were thinking when they read the same words as me, how they felt. There is something really raw about reading a book…At least for me. I feel connected with the person who had it before me. This is probably why I also love the library. I also love finding bookmarks, little pieces of paper, or notes in old books. it is just an amazing feeling. The more worn the book, the better loved it is.

#38. Bookshelves

Someday, I will have bookshelves. I mean bookshelves. Walls of them. Someday 🙂

#39. Receiving a package

#40. Sending Snail Mail

summer

Do you remember summers as a kid? They seemed to last a lifetime, full of sunshine, trips to the pool, and camp. And later they went by a little faster, but were still full of fun, staying up late, and hanging out on week nights. Once fall came around everything changed. School started and responsibility ensued. Weekdays were spent doing homework and”getting to bed at a reasonable hour.” Summer was always something we looked forward to and something we dreaded ending.

I miss being a kid.

The transition into adulthood erases the summers we knew as a kid. Summer is no longer full of carefree days. Summer as an adult kind of sucks. it is full of responsibilities. It means working…. I cannot wait till fall when school starts.

It isn’t just about working (but that doesn’t help). I guess it is just losing something that meant so much to your childhood. It is something we all have to give up eventually.

I am not sure if this has been prompted by my graduation and entrance into the dreaded ‘real world’ or if it just because I have had a pretty crappy summer…

So, my summer has completely sucked. I feel super dramatic, but it has been a stressful and completely not fun summer. they say bad things happen in threes. So hopefully it will get better from here…

1. Work:

I started a new job at the beginning of the summer. Once again, this is a transition into adulthood, there are more responsibilities, higher expectations, and harder work. I had a really rough start. I don’t really want to get into it, but I had a couple of weeks that were really difficult. I felt completely physically and emotionally drained all of the time. I cried for an entire weekend straight. And I made myself sick I was so stressed out.

It is much better now, but this definitely wore me out…

2. Break up

I had a completely dysfunctional ‘relationship’ going on with a guy I was (and still am) completely in love with. I knew it would never work, and so did he. But we couldn’t help our feelings and let it happen anyways. I don’t know if I would say I regret it, more like I regret parts of it, and certain things I did. It ended a couple of weeks ago and I have been really broken up about it. I am working really hard to get past it, but it has been really hard. I think that part of it is because we were such good friends before anything happened. I miss his friendship more than anything. And I hate that I ruined it. I know that we will never be friends again, and it is really hard coming to terms with that. I am struggling with the relationship itself, me, my feelings, the way it ended, and the way he is acting now. I have never felt the way that I feel about him about anyone, ever. And he broke my heart. It hasn’t been the funnest experience. I think one of the worst part of is feeling like the whole thing was a lie. The way it ended has me questioning every conversation we ever had and everything he every told me. I hate thinking that he didn’t ever even care. And that he isn’t struggling or missing me at all now. Because I have been. So much.

3. My dog

Preface: I love my dog. he is amazing.

My dog, who weighs about 10 pounds, was attacked by 2 big dogs (mastiff, pit bull mix and german shepard mix). He is in critical but stable condition, but we think he will be ok.

I was just walking him when two dogs came at us, out of nowhere, and grabbed him. They had my dog in their mouths and were shaking him viciously. It was really bad. There was blood everywhere, on the sidewalk and on me. I didn’t know what to do. I was screaming and crying hysterically. I have never felt so helpless and useless in my life. It is my responsibility to protect my dog, but I couldn’t do anything to stop these dogs from ripping him apart. Thank god he is ok. But he is hurting and in a lot of pain. He has two punctures in his stomach and a broken leg. Not to mention the skin was ripped off his entire right side.

Seeing that happen to him, and not being able to help him was so hard. I am feeling so much better now that he is doing better, but this has been a terrible week. I have just been sitting at my desk, crying (hoping no one notices). The vet said he is their miracle dog. I just need to get to the point where I realize how lucky he was to survive, rather than thinking of why it happened and the ways I could have stopped it.

Synchronicity~
I was just reading this quote by Neil Gaiman the other day…Thinking how different I see things now than when I read it originally. And I happened to see this post. I love this quote.

Coco J. Ginger Says

Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the…

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even if that choice is to not make a choice

Do you you ever get the urge to just…get in the car and drive? I mean, nowhere in particular, just to take control of your life for a moment? You know, to make a choice, even if that choice is to not make a choice?

A quote from one of my favorite movies, Dakota Skye. 

Lately I have been feeling this urge. I have found myself regretting all my life decisions leading up to this point, of pure responsibility, where I can’t just drive… because I have work in the morning.

I have been listening to some really depressing songs on repeat (i know, i am pathetic). But there is this really amazing one, I and love and you by the avett brothers. I really love it. the first part goes-

Load the car and write the note
Grab your bag and grab your coat
Tell the ones that need to know
We are headed north

In this song I hear escape. Escaping situations that make you feel completely lost and defeated. Taking control, even if that control isn’t really control. Another part goes, Ah Brooklyn Brooklyn take me in. Are you aware the shape I’m in. My hands they shake my head it spins. Ah Brooklyn Brooklyn take me in. I relate so wholly to this section it hurts to hear it. Feeling like you are completely worn down and beaten by life. and that no one or nothing can fix it. and starting new and fresh will help. leaving all the bad behind is really desirable.

I want this so bad.

So today, I drove.

I drove to make a decision, even if it was to not make a decision. I drove to clear my head. I drove to escape. I drove to take control. I drove leave it all behind me. I drove to feel like I was going somewhere. I drove into the unknown. I drove to escape.

there is something cathartic about just driving. aimlessly driving.

It is exciting and freeing seeing the open road in front of you. Well, that is until you almost run out of gas. in the middle of nowhere. that isn’t really freeing it is more like terrifying. But I’ll get into that later…

So I’m driving, with a destination sort of  in mind and I sped past the exit. I just needed to drive without a destination. So I drove. I finally took an exit, not sure where I was going. If I was turning around to go home, or if I was just going to walk around a strange town for the first time. But at the end of the exit I was given a literal fork in the road. I could follow the “Historical Route” or I could head to “Golden”. This fork in the road was giving me the opportunity to go back and wallow in the past or to head somewhere “Golden” and new. I made a sharp left, and headed to Golden. I felt like I was very symbolically making an important decision in my life.

I’m just driving through emptiness, enjoying the drive when I realize I am pretty low on gas. I figured it would be ok, because Golden was only about 20 miles away. The only problem, Golden doesn’t have a gas station (or at least one that I could find). And the whole town consists of one welcome center and about 5 houses from the looks of it.

I have never run out of gas before. Ever. The minute my light turns on, I get my but to a gas station. Period. I get too nervous driving around with the light on, taunting me, telling me ‘your going to be stranded. GET GAS!’ So, I listen.

Those were the longest 20 miles of my life. And then the longest 12 miles of my life to get to San Antonio. The whole time praying, hoping that I won’t run out of gas and have to call my mom to come get me =) …and to explain to her why i was in golden…

the most relieving sight ever. I know it is a terrible picture, but whatever.

I never thought I would be so excited to see a gas station.

This whole experience got me thinking about whether or not I should have picked the historical route instead of Golden. I ended up being pretty distracted by the gas situation to enjoy it. and how can a place calling itself Golden not have a gas station? Come on. And I am willing to bet that anything deemed ‘historical’ has probably been around long enough to have some gas stations pop up around…

But as a friend told me yesterday, “people shouldn’t say ‘things shouldn’t happened’ because they did happen and that means that it should have happened.” So I was meant to make that choice. The choice to move on from the past and try to move forward. it may not be easy. but you have to do it.

Maybe my next drive will be easier.

All in all, it was nice leaving it all behind for an afternoon.

and yes, i live in the desert.

100 things that make me happy part 3

I have been particularly grumpy today (well this whole weekend, really). I know why, and it probably isn’t going away for approximately another week. So. I am trying to distract myself with stuff that makes me happy. So  here is part three…

#21. Caffeine

gosh I really need some right now…maybe i will take a coffee break. that should cheer me up

#22. Painting

I love to paint. Always. Mine are here if you are interested.

#23. Sunflowers

they are just so beautiful and happy. so summery and light. so unique. ahhh i love sunfowers…

#24. Trees

#25. The smell of rain

#26. Jane Austen

#27. Expressing creativity

#28. Vision Boards

#29. Changing hairstyles

#30. Watching a favorite show from start to finish

100 Things That Make Me Happy :) part 2

Part 2 in my quest to focus on the good stuff, the stuff that truly makes me happy and to ignore the bad…

#11. Reading a book that you just can’t put down

#12. People with quirks that makes them extra special 🙂

#13. Watching a movie over and over again till you know all the lines

#14. Making videos

#15. Solitude

#16. Vegetarianism

#17. Best Friends

#18. Alaska

I am seriously obsessed with Alaska. I  LOVE LOVE LOVE it. seriously, go there.

#19. Inside jokes

#20. Laughing so hard it hurts

100 Things that Make Me Happy :)

Part 1 🙂

#1. The feeling of being in sync with someone else


#2. Making people really laugh

#3. how excited my dog gets when i come home 🙂


#4. People Watching (it is actually kind of bad…i am sort of a stalker)

#5. A cold drink on a hot day

#6. Swimming in the ocean

for some reason, at least to me, it is SO much better than swimming anywhere else

#7. Appreciation in all forms

#8. Loving the people you are surrounded by

#9. Feeling infinite


#10. Travel