The rest of the world sucks more than you.
You disappoint me. You push me down. You make me feel empty. That the things I care about don’t matter. I make these realizations.
Then the life happens. And I realize – everyone else sucks more than you do.
And I only want to talk about it with you.
I have a spectrum of fragments of relationships. pieces of me are given away. but never enough to make anything real.
Although i want more… I can’t help but create, relish these relationships. the fragments that i own, i own. they are mine. i can control them.
they never want enough.
i am only a sliver of his life, but he is my whole world.
in those few moments, in that sliver of his world, I am his entire world. I matter more than anything. But during the rest of the time i don’t matter, he wouldn’t even recognize me on the street.
i don’t doubt that he loves me, but is it just not enough? am i not enough? but i only exist to him in a fleeting moment. he is so much a part of me and my world and i am merely a blip on his.
my expectations are my enemy.
they let me down over and over again. and i continue to fall for them – they lure me in with sunshine and happiness only to let me fall into an abyss.
an abyss of self-loathing and darkness. of being let down by the one person that i thought understood me. loved me. but once again, the possibilities fall out of line. this is not a fairy tale. this is not a happily ever after. and my anticipation knows that – harness it and fosters it – and uses it against me.
just like every year, my sunny childhood built up a possibility of glee and delight. only to come crashing down around me. and i only have myself to blame.
my maturity and years don’t help to squash the dreams of the possibilities.
“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”
color and chaos 