broken

Thanks for the idea Coco J. Ginger and the Boy with a Hat. after reading your amazing posts about what a broken heart feels like, I absolutely had to write my own…..i could only wish i could express my feelings in such an amazing, eloquent way.

to me a broken heart feels like you will never be you again. like no one ever really ‘saw’ the real you before, and no one ever will again. it feels like the mask, the protection has been ripped off, exposing you to the harshest conditions. like everything, your whole life has been an act, the whole world a stage and you, an actor. but you never knew…and the only thing real was your pain. and being forced back on stage to continue the act. but knowing it isn’t real. and no one else knows they are acting. and wanting to scream. wanting to tell them. none of it is real. but you can’t, the show must go on. and you must keep acting.

but inside it boils.

its living in an isolated world, a world you deliberately created. one that was once inhabited with love and light but is now full of sorrow and loneliness. and being trapped there. unable to leave. being alone. it is anger and betrayal. and the feeling that your life will never be the same, that you will never be the same. it is fear. it is raw feelings, without a canvas to pile them. its emotions without the ability to discover them, to communicate them. frustration. it is words without speech. it is an explosion of anger, fear, loathing, sickness, and sadness. it is art without an artist. it is sickness. it is torturing yourself. it is reliving every perfect moment, only to have each ripped away again by a startling reality. it is waking up from a perfect dream before the end. it is the realization that you are dreaming while you are still asleep… it is feeling broken.

like discovering a secret. a magical secret so grand and amazing that it fundamentally changes you. and then being forced to go back. to go back and to live in the world with out the secret. but knowing the magic exists, and being forced to live without it.

it is your subconscious understanding what you refuse to. it is hoping for ‘someday’ knowing that full well that day will never come. knowing that if you let it you will lose yourself… and wanting to anyways. and hating yourself for wanting.

it is wanting what you can never have.

it is the dream i had about you. it wasn’t even a good dream, but one full of heartbreak and sadness. full of realism. but i was still with you. i held you. and you let me. but even in the dream, we both know it wouldn’t last. that i would go home, tortured by the situation and that you would go home to your new girlfriend. but still. i wake up happy…vibrating for a few seconds. and then it goes away, because you go away. but still this dream is the highlight of my day, preferable to reality, because at least i was with you. while all the while breaking me.

it is feeling broken because it seems like there is only one person who could ever love you like that. who crazily seemed to to love you more and more with every day. more and more each time he discovered more about you…who said forever. who changed his mind. who thought you were worthy, beautiful, and smart. who changed his mind. who found someone more beautiful. more worthy. and smarter.

it is seeing a perfect family and discovering they are unhappy. it is marriage without love. it is being either a liar or a coward. or both. it is sleepless nights followed by sleepless nights. like going out and being blinded by the sun.

it is losing connections to the world. becoming a recluse when what you really need people. it is retreating…wanting to escape, to move away. to start somewhere new and fresh. it is being scared to share your feelings. it is sharing a secret and being judged. it is your best friend not knowing, not understanding you anymore. it is not knowing what to say, when someone really needs you. feeling like something isn’t right, but not knowing what. like losing your best friend, who you thought you would have forever. it is regret. regret for all the things you didn’t say. regret for all the things that scared you. regret for taking it for granted. and not realizing how lucky you are to fall in love with your best friend… and then losing not only the person you love, but your best friend…and regretting not being good enough.

it is the feeling of being literally deleted. being deleted. removed, gone. in the virtual world this is so easy. if only it was so easy to delete them from your heart and mind…the memories. the feelings. i don’t understand… how can you do that so easily? it is wallowing in depressing music. it is reading old text messages and emails. it is going to listen to the playlist you made me and finding it gone. deleted. it is knowing we can never go back. that we will never be friends. knowing that i can’t talk to you. it is the joke about call me maybe that made me think of you. that made me want to to talk to you. to tell you about. it is the library card rap song that i know you would love. it is the story my dad told me about being a minister when he was 22 that i know would make you laugh. it is not being able to talk to you when that is all i want in the world.

it is hoping that someday you regret losing me…that you realize what we had. but hoping you don’t, because i want you to be happy. but wishing i was the one who made you happy. and knowing it doesn’t matter. but wishing it did.

it is seeing your new girlfriend telling you she loves you. it is virtual stalking. its my heartbreaking each time i see it. it is wishing i could delete you. and remembering your favorite movie, eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. it is remembering you telling me that no matter how difficult it was you would never want to erase me…but i want to erase you. because it hurts too much. it is you telling me every decision in your life brought you to me. it is a lie. it is me relating to kirsten dunst’s character. repeatedly falling for someone who doesn’t even care and uses her… and wondering if that would be my fate. but then remembering who you are, and knowing you would never do that to me. and falling in love with you all over again, only to be broken once again.

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