you are two people…
the man i know you to be and the man whose actions tell me differently
the man i hope you to be and the man who i know you are
the man that i thought i knew and the man that i don’t know at all
my best friend and the one who causes all of my pain
the one i could tell anything to and the one who holds it against me
the man that i love and the man that i hate
the man that i love and the man that i love
My mentor told me that when you find the right person, you just know. She said that there are no doubts. It is easy. She said that there are no concerns that you love that person more than they love you.
Personally, I can’t even fathom it.
I want you to love me enough.
enough to let me go. enough to see that you are holding me back. i want you to love me enough to know it’ll never work and you’ll just end up breaking my heart. enough to know that what you are asking me isn’t fair. enough to think i deserve better. enough to think you are being selfish.
i want you to love me enough to set me free.
because i am not strong enough to let you go. because i love you enough.
enough to hold on despite everything. enough to push you forward. because i love you enough to blindly, to stupidly believe in our future. because, despite everything, i love you enough to have faith in you, in us. enough to knowingly be your escape. a fantasy. because i love you enough to not ask for anymore than i know you are capable of giving. enough to give up everything for you.
because i love you enough to set you free.
Do you you ever get the urge to just…get in the car and drive? I mean, nowhere in particular, just to take control of your life for a moment? You know, to make a choice, even if that choice is to not make a choice?
A quote from one of my favorite movies, Dakota Skye.
Lately I have been feeling this urge. I have found myself regretting all my life decisions leading up to this point, of pure responsibility, where I can’t just drive… because I have work in the morning.
I have been listening to some really depressing songs on repeat (i know, i am pathetic). But there is this really amazing one, I and love and you by the avett brothers. I really love it. the first part goes-
Load the car and write the note
Grab your bag and grab your coat
Tell the ones that need to know
We are headed north
In this song I hear escape. Escaping situations that make you feel completely lost and defeated. Taking control, even if that control isn’t really control. Another part goes, Ah Brooklyn Brooklyn take me in. Are you aware the shape I’m in. My hands they shake my head it spins. Ah Brooklyn Brooklyn take me in. I relate so wholly to this section it hurts to hear it. Feeling like you are completely worn down and beaten by life. and that no one or nothing can fix it. and starting new and fresh will help. leaving all the bad behind is really desirable.
I want this so bad.
So today, I drove.
I drove to make a decision, even if it was to not make a decision. I drove to clear my head. I drove to escape. I drove to take control. I drove leave it all behind me. I drove to feel like I was going somewhere. I drove into the unknown. I drove to escape.
there is something cathartic about just driving. aimlessly driving.
It is exciting and freeing seeing the open road in front of you. Well, that is until you almost run out of gas. in the middle of nowhere. that isn’t really freeing it is more like terrifying. But I’ll get into that later…
So I’m driving, with a destination sort of in mind and I sped past the exit. I just needed to drive without a destination. So I drove. I finally took an exit, not sure where I was going. If I was turning around to go home, or if I was just going to walk around a strange town for the first time. But at the end of the exit I was given a literal fork in the road. I could follow the “Historical Route” or I could head to “Golden”. This fork in the road was giving me the opportunity to go back and wallow in the past or to head somewhere “Golden” and new. I made a sharp left, and headed to Golden. I felt like I was very symbolically making an important decision in my life.
I’m just driving through emptiness, enjoying the drive when I realize I am pretty low on gas. I figured it would be ok, because Golden was only about 20 miles away. The only problem, Golden doesn’t have a gas station (or at least one that I could find). And the whole town consists of one welcome center and about 5 houses from the looks of it.
I have never run out of gas before. Ever. The minute my light turns on, I get my but to a gas station. Period. I get too nervous driving around with the light on, taunting me, telling me ‘your going to be stranded. GET GAS!’ So, I listen.
Those were the longest 20 miles of my life. And then the longest 12 miles of my life to get to San Antonio. The whole time praying, hoping that I won’t run out of gas and have to call my mom to come get me =) …and to explain to her why i was in golden…
the most relieving sight ever. I know it is a terrible picture, but whatever.
I never thought I would be so excited to see a gas station.
This whole experience got me thinking about whether or not I should have picked the historical route instead of Golden. I ended up being pretty distracted by the gas situation to enjoy it. and how can a place calling itself Golden not have a gas station? Come on. And I am willing to bet that anything deemed ‘historical’ has probably been around long enough to have some gas stations pop up around…
But as a friend told me yesterday, “people shouldn’t say ‘things shouldn’t happened’ because they did happen and that means that it should have happened.” So I was meant to make that choice. The choice to move on from the past and try to move forward. it may not be easy. but you have to do it.
Maybe my next drive will be easier.
All in all, it was nice leaving it all behind for an afternoon.
and yes, i live in the desert.
color and chaos 