love and war

I can’t sleep. I am waking up at 5a.m. on mornings with no school/work. All night I am up every couple of hours. I cant eat either. Why? A boy. a stupid boy. who makes me feel like no other boy i have ever met has made me feel. who is funny and smart. when i hear his name my heart pounds and my mind races and i just sit there hoping that no one can tell. and a boy who makes me feel beautiful.

also a boy who i have been trying to stay away from. who i have been trying to convince myself is just a friend and convince myself doesn’t feel the same way about me.  All to make the inevitable easier. but last night all of my walls and guards came crashing down and so did his. i couldn’t resist. how can you listen to you head when you heart and body are telling you something different.


i have, perhaps the most important question here, is all is fair in love and war?

what are the rules. i would like to see a copy, please. i seriously feel sick to my stomach right now. why does it have to so confusing? i know that it can’t possibly work. yet here i am.

i am seriously regretting my decision for the name of this blog. i dont want my life colored with the chaos of trouble. i want it uniform and tidy.


i just came across this pic on

Story of my life.




not good enough

with a brand new blog i am terrified to ruin it. nothing i can think of writing seems good enough. it is kind of strange. i actually have several posts written for my other blog, but now that i ‘finished’ it and on a whim wrote my last entry, i feel like i shouldn’t post them there. and then i dont want to put them here because this blog is brand new, and could easily be tainted. no thank you.

so what is ok to write about? will anything be good enough? i think i am limiting myself. one of my posts is really just too negative. i dont want to spread that around, let alone set the tone here of that nonsene.

am i the only one who feels like this? when starting a new blog, that each and every entry (especially the first one) will define the entire context of the blog. it is actually kind of a bad feeling. it is kinda funny that i wrote anything and everything in my old, very narrow blog, and decided i needed a new one to face the blogging world on my own, as a person by myself, only to find myself limited by my own thoughts and fears. Apparently, it is much more difficult to write as yourself than hidden behind something more anonymous.

so…what to write?

cheers 🙂 paige