Just Me.

Why is it so difficult to learn about, to figure out who we are? I am who I am, right? And I have been that person for 24 years…I would think that would automatically give me some pretty good insight to who I am, what I want, and why I do the things that I do.

Unfortunately that isn’t the way life is, at least not for me. As I go through life, gain new experiences, essentially as I grow up, I realize how little I actually know about everything – most importantly myself.

I wonder if this is common during these “change of  life” times in our lives, where everything is up in the air and we are forced to make ridiculously difficult decisions. I am finishing up my masters degree this December and trying to figure out what I want to do with my life.  I see so many options, so many paths forward, it terrifies me to choose one. But to semi-quote one of my favorite movies, even not making a decision is making a decision. Whether I like it or not, me sitting around putting off my life isn’t doing me any good. It is just pushing me towards to the one path I know that I don’t want to take. So why is it that I am doing it? Why can’t I pick another path?

road

 

Waiting…

It is really frustrating. Having nothing to do but being completely stressed. And the thing causing you stress, you have no control over it. Absolutely none. And you are forced to just sit and wait. Passively waiting while the stress eats away at you. Picking off the fleshy parts first, they are the weakest. And you overhear the decisions that determine your fate, yet you have no control of them. They are not yours, but they impact every fiber of your being. And my eyes begin to water and the juice in my brain leaks out, slowly one drop at a time. And you can’t stop it. It doesn’t matter that I live in the desert and it hasn’t rained, really rained in years.

even if that choice is to not make a choice

Do you you ever get the urge to just…get in the car and drive? I mean, nowhere in particular, just to take control of your life for a moment? You know, to make a choice, even if that choice is to not make a choice?

A quote from one of my favorite movies, Dakota Skye. 

Lately I have been feeling this urge. I have found myself regretting all my life decisions leading up to this point, of pure responsibility, where I can’t just drive… because I have work in the morning.

I have been listening to some really depressing songs on repeat (i know, i am pathetic). But there is this really amazing one, I and love and you by the avett brothers. I really love it. the first part goes-

Load the car and write the note
Grab your bag and grab your coat
Tell the ones that need to know
We are headed north

In this song I hear escape. Escaping situations that make you feel completely lost and defeated. Taking control, even if that control isn’t really control. Another part goes, Ah Brooklyn Brooklyn take me in. Are you aware the shape I’m in. My hands they shake my head it spins. Ah Brooklyn Brooklyn take me in. I relate so wholly to this section it hurts to hear it. Feeling like you are completely worn down and beaten by life. and that no one or nothing can fix it. and starting new and fresh will help. leaving all the bad behind is really desirable.

I want this so bad.

So today, I drove.

I drove to make a decision, even if it was to not make a decision. I drove to clear my head. I drove to escape. I drove to take control. I drove leave it all behind me. I drove to feel like I was going somewhere. I drove into the unknown. I drove to escape.

there is something cathartic about just driving. aimlessly driving.

It is exciting and freeing seeing the open road in front of you. Well, that is until you almost run out of gas. in the middle of nowhere. that isn’t really freeing it is more like terrifying. But I’ll get into that later…

So I’m driving, with a destination sort of  in mind and I sped past the exit. I just needed to drive without a destination. So I drove. I finally took an exit, not sure where I was going. If I was turning around to go home, or if I was just going to walk around a strange town for the first time. But at the end of the exit I was given a literal fork in the road. I could follow the “Historical Route” or I could head to “Golden”. This fork in the road was giving me the opportunity to go back and wallow in the past or to head somewhere “Golden” and new. I made a sharp left, and headed to Golden. I felt like I was very symbolically making an important decision in my life.

I’m just driving through emptiness, enjoying the drive when I realize I am pretty low on gas. I figured it would be ok, because Golden was only about 20 miles away. The only problem, Golden doesn’t have a gas station (or at least one that I could find). And the whole town consists of one welcome center and about 5 houses from the looks of it.

I have never run out of gas before. Ever. The minute my light turns on, I get my but to a gas station. Period. I get too nervous driving around with the light on, taunting me, telling me ‘your going to be stranded. GET GAS!’ So, I listen.

Those were the longest 20 miles of my life. And then the longest 12 miles of my life to get to San Antonio. The whole time praying, hoping that I won’t run out of gas and have to call my mom to come get me =) …and to explain to her why i was in golden…

the most relieving sight ever. I know it is a terrible picture, but whatever.

I never thought I would be so excited to see a gas station.

This whole experience got me thinking about whether or not I should have picked the historical route instead of Golden. I ended up being pretty distracted by the gas situation to enjoy it. and how can a place calling itself Golden not have a gas station? Come on. And I am willing to bet that anything deemed ‘historical’ has probably been around long enough to have some gas stations pop up around…

But as a friend told me yesterday, “people shouldn’t say ‘things shouldn’t happened’ because they did happen and that means that it should have happened.” So I was meant to make that choice. The choice to move on from the past and try to move forward. it may not be easy. but you have to do it.

Maybe my next drive will be easier.

All in all, it was nice leaving it all behind for an afternoon.

and yes, i live in the desert.