The rest of the world sucks more than you. 

You disappoint me. You push me down. You make me feel empty. That the things I care about don’t matter. I make these realizations.

Then the life happens. And I realize – everyone else sucks more than you do.

And I only want to talk about it with you. 

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i am only a sliver of his life, but he is my whole world.

in those few moments, in that sliver of his world, I am his entire world. I matter more than anything. But during the rest of the time i don’t matter, he wouldn’t even recognize me on the street.

i don’t doubt that he loves me, but is it just not enough? am i not enough? but i only exist to him in a fleeting moment.  he is so much a part of me and my world and i am merely a blip on his.

Insanity

my expectations are my enemy.

they let me down over and over again. and i continue to fall for them – they lure me in with sunshine and happiness only to let me fall into an abyss.

an abyss of self-loathing and darkness. of being let down by the one person that i thought understood me. loved me. but once again, the possibilities fall out of line. this is not a fairy tale. this is not a happily ever after. and my anticipation knows that – harness it and fosters it – and uses it against me.

just like every year, my sunny childhood built up a possibility of glee and delight. only to come crashing down around me. and i only have myself to blame.

my maturity and years don’t help to squash the dreams of the possibilities.

“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

Here and there

you want me but you don’t.

you wont let me go but wont ask me to stay.

you ask me to stay but only when you know that I can’t.

you want me. but only so no one else can have me.

you drag me down this path of deceit with you. you want me. But for all the wrong reasons. Not for who i truly am.

you won’t let go of me. even though you need to.

you won’t set me free.

you want me.

but you don’t love me

you desperately cling to me. unable to give me up.

but you don’t love me. No matter what you say.

you know better. you have to know better. but despite that, you won’t let me go.

 

anticipation

When you leave, and you always leave, you leave me unsatisfied and empty.  I’m drawn in with the allure of something more, something special. And even with your valiant efforts and persuasive words, you leave me empty. It happens time and time again, you fill my mind, my body, my heart with anticipation and love only to deflate it once you appear.

Giddy anticipation fills me till we break, my expectations vaporize, leaving me more empty than ever before. My air is filled with words, but they are only words, and they mean nothing. And that’s all you are, words and broken emptiness.  You presume yourself chivalrous and forcible; unaware that all you have ever given me, all you ever leave me with, is angst and attack. You are not real, you do not exist, my imaginary boyfriend. 

You are a facade,  built up over years of anticipation of the possibility. The ‘love’ created in our imaginations is so surreal and beautiful, that any promise of reality was shattered when the word was first uttered. It is paradoxical really, the premise is miraculous and forever untouched, yet it demolishes us and our reality. You are not real, we do not exist. I am merely a piece of your imagination, as you are of mine

You are, always have been, and always will be my imaginary boyfriend.

imaginary-boyfriend1

There is no terror in the bang, only in the anticipation of it.

-Alfred Hitchcock 

Just Me.

Why is it so difficult to learn about, to figure out who we are? I am who I am, right? And I have been that person for 24 years…I would think that would automatically give me some pretty good insight to who I am, what I want, and why I do the things that I do.

Unfortunately that isn’t the way life is, at least not for me. As I go through life, gain new experiences, essentially as I grow up, I realize how little I actually know about everything – most importantly myself.

I wonder if this is common during these “change of  life” times in our lives, where everything is up in the air and we are forced to make ridiculously difficult decisions. I am finishing up my masters degree this December and trying to figure out what I want to do with my life.  I see so many options, so many paths forward, it terrifies me to choose one. But to semi-quote one of my favorite movies, even not making a decision is making a decision. Whether I like it or not, me sitting around putting off my life isn’t doing me any good. It is just pushing me towards to the one path I know that I don’t want to take. So why is it that I am doing it? Why can’t I pick another path?

road

 

needy and self-indulgent

So I have become increasingly aware that blog has begun to revolve around one very needy, self-indulgent subject: love.

And though it probably doesn’t seem like it, I am usually a very independent person. Before recently I have never been obsessed with relationships or boys. Honestly, I didn’t think I would ever find anyone that I really loved…

But here I am. Making terrible decisions, trying to logically convince myself to not feel the things that I feel, and having feelings that I wish I didn’t have. And becoming the type of girl that I really don’t like. Whining about boys all the time (at least in my blog, I am surprisingly normal in real life).

So, I have made myself a pact. I will limit my posts on the mushy stuff…..which basically means I will try to post about other stuff too 🙂

And I am going to start painting again. maybe if i keep saying it, it will actually happen.