i can still smell you on me.

but the smell is fading. faded.

the smell, your smell reminds me of you. of days when it was less complicated. days when i didn’t want, when i didn’t need more.

days when i was content wasting time talking to you. discussing music and books. listening to the playlist you made me.

your smell.

it has washed off of me now. and i don’t think i will ever get it back.

but i crave that smell. I need it.

a time when nothing made sense, but everything made sense.

now it is a puzzle. unsolvable.

i wish that i could take it back. but i know, if given the choice i would still love you.

and nothing would change.

and once again my choices betray me.

Here and there

you want me but you don’t.

you wont let me go but wont ask me to stay.

you ask me to stay but only when you know that I can’t.

you want me. but only so no one else can have me.

you drag me down this path of deceit with you. you want me. But for all the wrong reasons. Not for who i truly am.

you won’t let go of me. even though you need to.

you won’t set me free.

you want me.

but you don’t love me

you desperately cling to me. unable to give me up.

but you don’t love me. No matter what you say.

you know better. you have to know better. but despite that, you won’t let me go.

 

yellow grass

I suppose cliches happen for a reason.

Like they are relateable.  Like they happen time and time again.

So here I am being predictable and cliche, writing about grass being green. Usually when it is on the other side.

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Once it is gone, I miss it. For years, it was watching over my shoulder…pushing me to pull me closer. And I resented it. I was fearful of it. I repeatedly held back, pushing it away. And now, all I want in the world is to hold it so tight and never let it go.

And now that it is gone I miss it. I only appreciate it now that it is gone. What a damn cliche.

“The reason that clichés become clichés is that they are the hammers and screwdrivers in the toolbox of communication.”

Terry Pratchett, Guards! Guards!

anticipation

When you leave, and you always leave, you leave me unsatisfied and empty.  I’m drawn in with the allure of something more, something special. And even with your valiant efforts and persuasive words, you leave me empty. It happens time and time again, you fill my mind, my body, my heart with anticipation and love only to deflate it once you appear.

Giddy anticipation fills me till we break, my expectations vaporize, leaving me more empty than ever before. My air is filled with words, but they are only words, and they mean nothing. And that’s all you are, words and broken emptiness.  You presume yourself chivalrous and forcible; unaware that all you have ever given me, all you ever leave me with, is angst and attack. You are not real, you do not exist, my imaginary boyfriend. 

You are a facade,  built up over years of anticipation of the possibility. The ‘love’ created in our imaginations is so surreal and beautiful, that any promise of reality was shattered when the word was first uttered. It is paradoxical really, the premise is miraculous and forever untouched, yet it demolishes us and our reality. You are not real, we do not exist. I am merely a piece of your imagination, as you are of mine

You are, always have been, and always will be my imaginary boyfriend.

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There is no terror in the bang, only in the anticipation of it.

-Alfred Hitchcock 

Just Me.

Why is it so difficult to learn about, to figure out who we are? I am who I am, right? And I have been that person for 24 years…I would think that would automatically give me some pretty good insight to who I am, what I want, and why I do the things that I do.

Unfortunately that isn’t the way life is, at least not for me. As I go through life, gain new experiences, essentially as I grow up, I realize how little I actually know about everything – most importantly myself.

I wonder if this is common during these “change of  life” times in our lives, where everything is up in the air and we are forced to make ridiculously difficult decisions. I am finishing up my masters degree this December and trying to figure out what I want to do with my life.  I see so many options, so many paths forward, it terrifies me to choose one. But to semi-quote one of my favorite movies, even not making a decision is making a decision. Whether I like it or not, me sitting around putting off my life isn’t doing me any good. It is just pushing me towards to the one path I know that I don’t want to take. So why is it that I am doing it? Why can’t I pick another path?

road

 

the exception

you are two people…

the man i know you to be and the man whose actions tell me differently

the man i hope you to be and the man who i know you are

the man that i thought i knew and the man that i don’t know at all

my best friend and the one who causes all of my pain

the one i could tell anything to and the one who holds it against me

the man that i love and the man that i hate

the man that i love and the man that i love

normal

It is funny when someone points something out to you and you realize that you knew it all along. like you just needed them to say it to make it real. and you realize the lengths you go to get them to say it to you.

but why cant i just say it to myself?

 

 

 

 

love and war

I can’t sleep. I am waking up at 5a.m. on mornings with no school/work. All night I am up every couple of hours. I cant eat either. Why? A boy. a stupid boy. who makes me feel like no other boy i have ever met has made me feel. who is funny and smart. when i hear his name my heart pounds and my mind races and i just sit there hoping that no one can tell. and a boy who makes me feel beautiful.

also a boy who i have been trying to stay away from. who i have been trying to convince myself is just a friend and convince myself doesn’t feel the same way about me.  All to make the inevitable easier. but last night all of my walls and guards came crashing down and so did his. i couldn’t resist. how can you listen to you head when you heart and body are telling you something different.

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i have, perhaps the most important question here, is all is fair in love and war?

what are the rules. i would like to see a copy, please. i seriously feel sick to my stomach right now. why does it have to so confusing? i know that it can’t possibly work. yet here i am.

i am seriously regretting my decision for the name of this blog. i dont want my life colored with the chaos of trouble. i want it uniform and tidy.

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i just came across this pic on weheartit.com

Story of my life.

confused.

paige