anticipation

When you leave, and you always leave, you leave me unsatisfied and empty.  I’m drawn in with the allure of something more, something special. And even with your valiant efforts and persuasive words, you leave me empty. It happens time and time again, you fill my mind, my body, my heart with anticipation and love only to deflate it once you appear.

Giddy anticipation fills me till we break, my expectations vaporize, leaving me more empty than ever before. My air is filled with words, but they are only words, and they mean nothing. And that’s all you are, words and broken emptiness.  You presume yourself chivalrous and forcible; unaware that all you have ever given me, all you ever leave me with, is angst and attack. You are not real, you do not exist, my imaginary boyfriend. 

You are a facade,  built up over years of anticipation of the possibility. The ‘love’ created in our imaginations is so surreal and beautiful, that any promise of reality was shattered when the word was first uttered. It is paradoxical really, the premise is miraculous and forever untouched, yet it demolishes us and our reality. You are not real, we do not exist. I am merely a piece of your imagination, as you are of mine

You are, always have been, and always will be my imaginary boyfriend.

imaginary-boyfriend1

There is no terror in the bang, only in the anticipation of it.

-Alfred Hitchcock 

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Just Me.

Why is it so difficult to learn about, to figure out who we are? I am who I am, right? And I have been that person for 24 years…I would think that would automatically give me some pretty good insight to who I am, what I want, and why I do the things that I do.

Unfortunately that isn’t the way life is, at least not for me. As I go through life, gain new experiences, essentially as I grow up, I realize how little I actually know about everything – most importantly myself.

I wonder if this is common during these “change of  life” times in our lives, where everything is up in the air and we are forced to make ridiculously difficult decisions. I am finishing up my masters degree this December and trying to figure out what I want to do with my life.  I see so many options, so many paths forward, it terrifies me to choose one. But to semi-quote one of my favorite movies, even not making a decision is making a decision. Whether I like it or not, me sitting around putting off my life isn’t doing me any good. It is just pushing me towards to the one path I know that I don’t want to take. So why is it that I am doing it? Why can’t I pick another path?

road

 

never not broken

one of my good friends sent me this article about the goddess of never not broken. i think it is amazing. and very true. I think my favorite quote is,

“All the places where you’ve shattered can now reflect light and colour where there was none. Now is the time to become something new, to choose a new whole.”

My new fav goddess, Akhilanda

Why Lying Broken in a Pile on Your Bedroom Floor is a Good Idea. ~ Julie (JC) Peters

From: http://www.elephantjournal.com/2011/06/why-being-broken-in-a-pile-on-your-bedroom-floor-is-a-good-idea-julie-jc-peters/

The Goddess of never not broken.

You know that feeling when you have just gone through a breakup, or lost your job, and everything is terrible and terrifying and you don’t know what to do, and you find yourself crying in a pile on your bedroom floor, barely able to remember how to use the phone, desperately looking for some sign of God in old letters, or your Facebook newsfeed or on Glee, finding nothing there to comfort you?

Come on, yes you do. We all do.

And there is a goddess from Hindu mythology that teaches us that, in this moment, in this pile on the floor, you are more powerful than you’ve ever been.

This past week, I have been deeply inspired by a talk I heard on the Yoga Teacher Telesummit by Eric Stoneberg on this relatively unknown Goddess from Hindu mythology: Akhilandeshvari.

This figure has snuck up inside me and settled into my bones. She keeps coming out of my mouth every time I teach, and she’s given me so much strength and possibility during a time of change and uncertainty in my own life. I wanted to unpack a little bit about who she is for those that might be, like me, struggling a little bit in that pile on the floor and wondering how the hell to get up again.

The answer, it turns out, is this: in pieces, warrior-style, on the back of a crocodile. Yee ha.

Akhilandeshvari:

“Ishvari” in Sanskrit means “goddess” or “female power,” and the “Akhilanda” means essentially “never not broken.” In other words, The Always Broken Goddess. Sanskrit is a tricky and amazing language, and I love that the double negative here means that she is broken right down to her name.

But this isn’t the kind of broken that indicates weakness and terror.

It’s the kind of broken that tears apart all the stuff that gets us stuck in toxic routines, repeating the same relationships and habits over and over, rather than diving into the scary process of trying something new and unfathomable.

Akhilanda derives her power from being broken: in flux, pulling herself apart, living in different, constant selves at the same time, from never becoming a whole that has limitations.

The thing about going through sudden or scary or sad transitions (like a breakup) is that one of the things you lose is your future: your expectations of what the story of your life so far was going to become. When you lose that partner or that job or that person, your future dissolves in front of you.

And of course, this is terrifying.

But look, Akhilanda says, now you get to make a choice. In pieces, in a pile on the floor, with no idea how to go forward, your expectations of the future are meaningless. Your stories about the past do not apply. You are in flux, you are changing, you are flowing in a new way, and this is an incredibly powerful opportunity to become new again: to choose how you want to put yourself back together. Confusion can be an incredible teacher—how could you ever learn if you already had it all figured out?

This goddess has another interesting attribute, which is, of course, her ride: a crocodile.

Crocodiles are interesting in two ways: Firstly, Stoneberg explains that the crocodile represents our reptilian brain, which is where we feel fear. Secondly, the predatory power of a crocodile is not located in their huge jaws, but rather that they pluck their prey from the banks of the river, take it into the water, and spin it until it is disoriented. They whirl that prey like a dervish seeking God, they use the power of spin rather than brute force to feed themselves.

By riding on this spinning, predatory, fearsome creature, Akhilanda refuses to reject her fear, nor does she let it control her. She rides on it. She gets on this animal that lives inside the river, inside the flow. She takes her fear down to the river and uses its power to navigate the waves, and spins in the never not broken water. Akhilanda shows us that this is beautiful. Stoneberg writes:

Akhilanda is also sometimes described in our lineage like a spinning, multi-faceted prism. Imagine the Hope Diamond twirling in a bright, clear light. The light pouring through the beveled cuts of the diamond would create a whirling rainbow of color. The diamond is whole and complete and BECAUSE it’s fractured, it creates more diverse beauty. Its form is a spectrum of whirling color.

That means that this feeling of confusion and brokenness that every human has felt at some time or another in our lives is a source of beauty and colour and new reflections and possibilities.

If everything remained the same, if we walked along the same path down to the river every day until there was a groove there (as we do; in Sanskrit this is called Samskara, habits or even “some scars”), this routine would become so limited, so toxic to us that, well, the crocs would catch on, and we’d get plucked from the banks, spun and eaten.

So now is the time, this time of confusion and brokenness and fear and sadness, to get up on that fear, ride it down to the river, dip into the waves, and let yourself break. Become a prism.

All the places where you’ve shattered can now reflect light and colour where there was none. Now is the time to become something new, to choose a new whole.

But remember Akhilanda’s lesson: even that new whole, that new, colourful, amazing groove that we create, is an illusion. It means nothing unless we can keep on breaking apart and putting ourselves together again as many times as we need to. We are already “never not broken.” We were never a consistent, limited whole. In our brokenness, we are unlimited. And that means we are amazing.

find the article here: http://www.elephantjournal.com/2011/06/why-being-broken-in-a-pile-on-your-bedroom-floor-is-a-good-idea-julie-jc-peters/

 

needy and self-indulgent

So I have become increasingly aware that blog has begun to revolve around one very needy, self-indulgent subject: love.

And though it probably doesn’t seem like it, I am usually a very independent person. Before recently I have never been obsessed with relationships or boys. Honestly, I didn’t think I would ever find anyone that I really loved…

But here I am. Making terrible decisions, trying to logically convince myself to not feel the things that I feel, and having feelings that I wish I didn’t have. And becoming the type of girl that I really don’t like. Whining about boys all the time (at least in my blog, I am surprisingly normal in real life).

So, I have made myself a pact. I will limit my posts on the mushy stuff…..which basically means I will try to post about other stuff too 🙂

And I am going to start painting again. maybe if i keep saying it, it will actually happen.

the exception

you are two people…

the man i know you to be and the man whose actions tell me differently

the man i hope you to be and the man who i know you are

the man that i thought i knew and the man that i don’t know at all

my best friend and the one who causes all of my pain

the one i could tell anything to and the one who holds it against me

the man that i love and the man that i hate

the man that i love and the man that i love

I’m 23!

I am 23.

My sister just got married. Apparently that invokes a lot of questions to the younger sister about ‘her turn.’  I have never been questioned about my intentions for marriage till my sister’s bridal shower/wedding. I am 23!  What, are we living in a Jane Austen novel? Will I wake up tomorrow an old maid?

The other day my uncle asked if I was the one who got married. I told him no. I said I am only 23! He said, that’s old. He then proceeded to ask me when I was getting married…

I don’t plan on getting married for A LONG time, if at all. Actually, I don’t see myself ever getting married. It just isn’t for me, it isn’t what I want. Why does that terrify people? It is my choice. It was their choice to get married young and be unhappy (I’m generalizing). You don’t hear me lecturing them about the responsibilities of marriage.

When I get questions about my intentions for the future I really like to just say, “I don’t believe in marriage.” Or “I don’t want children.” People tend to look at you like you are insane. and then they like to lecture you about how you just aren’t at that point yet. just wait, someday your biological clock will be ticking and you will change your mind. And then they look at you like they know something about you that you haven’t figured out yet.

what is it about the notion that I don’t want to get married, that i don’t want children, that horrifies and terrifies most people? Seriously, why do they care what I do? The decisions I make?

Personally, I don’t really get marriage. I mean you always hear that half of all marriages end in divorce. and who knows about the half that stay together…are those people really happy? From what I have seen, no not really.

I found the following chart from a website completely devoted to the subject…

Divorce statistics in America for marriage

Marriage Divorce statistics (in percent)
First Marriage 45% to 50% marriages end in divorce
Second Marriage 60% to 67% marriages end in divorce
Third Marriage 70% to 73% marriages end in divorce

* Source of this Divorce Statistics: Jennifer Baker, Forest Institute of Professional Psychology, Springfield

That is just depressing. And honestly, that 50% that is divorced are happier than the half that are suffering through their marriages, sticking it out for the kids or for religious reasons. Honestly, I never got the whole staying together for the kids thing. As a child whose parents are still together after 25 years, I always wished that my parents would get a divorce. They never seemed happy and when they would fight it would tear me up. I hated seeing it. They never seemed to love each other and honestly they still don’t. I have gotten past the wishing for the divorce thing though. they are both adults and can make their own decisions…But seriously, kids aren’t stupid. They can see what is going on with their parents, and if you think that staying in a loveless, unhappy marriage is helping them think again. I am no psychologist but I am speaking from my own experiences. I don’t think parents realize that their relationships affect their children.

One of my professors told us that after 9/11 NYC saw more life changing decisions than ever before (there was a study on it). More people quit their jobs and got divorced. People realized that life is too short to be in miserable marriages, miserable jobs, and miserable situations.

It really sucks that we have to wait till a tragedy to open our eyes and change our lives.

If I end up with someone, I want to be with them because I love him not because I have to. Same with the guy. I don’t want someone staying with me because we are married, not because he wants to.

100 things i love part 7

61. Sparkles

#62. Public Art

#63. Music that fits the mood

#64. Discovering a song, that you listen to over and over

#65. Dancing- but only when it feels right 🙂

#66. Mediterranean Food

#67. Synchronicity

#68. Ambidextrosity (is that a real word?)

#69. Loving someone. Regardless.

#70. Babies. I will be a first time aunt soon! I am sooo excited :):)

enough

I want you to love me enough.

enough to let me go. enough to see that you are holding me back. i want you to love me enough to know it’ll never work and you’ll just end up breaking my heart. enough to know that what you are asking me isn’t fair. enough to think i deserve better. enough to think you are being selfish.

i want you to love me enough to set me free.

because i am not strong enough to let you go. because i love you enough.

enough to hold on despite everything. enough to push you forward. because i love you enough to blindly, to stupidly believe in our future. because, despite everything, i love you enough to have faith in you, in us. enough to knowingly be your escape. a fantasy. because i love you enough to not ask for anymore than i know you are capable of giving. enough to give up everything for you.

because i love you enough to set you free.