needy and self-indulgent

So I have become increasingly aware that blog has begun to revolve around one very needy, self-indulgent subject: love.

And though it probably doesn’t seem like it, I am usually a very independent person. Before recently I have never been obsessed with relationships or boys. Honestly, I didn’t think I would ever find anyone that I really loved…

But here I am. Making terrible decisions, trying to logically convince myself to not feel the things that I feel, and having feelings that I wish I didn’t have. And becoming the type of girl that I really don’t like. Whining about boys all the time (at least in my blog, I am surprisingly normal in real life).

So, I have made myself a pact. I will limit my posts on the mushy stuff…..which basically means I will try to post about other stuff too 🙂

And I am going to start painting again. maybe if i keep saying it, it will actually happen.

the exception

you are two people…

the man i know you to be and the man whose actions tell me differently

the man i hope you to be and the man who i know you are

the man that i thought i knew and the man that i don’t know at all

my best friend and the one who causes all of my pain

the one i could tell anything to and the one who holds it against me

the man that i love and the man that i hate

the man that i love and the man that i love

I’m 23!

I am 23.

My sister just got married. Apparently that invokes a lot of questions to the younger sister about ‘her turn.’  I have never been questioned about my intentions for marriage till my sister’s bridal shower/wedding. I am 23!  What, are we living in a Jane Austen novel? Will I wake up tomorrow an old maid?

The other day my uncle asked if I was the one who got married. I told him no. I said I am only 23! He said, that’s old. He then proceeded to ask me when I was getting married…

I don’t plan on getting married for A LONG time, if at all. Actually, I don’t see myself ever getting married. It just isn’t for me, it isn’t what I want. Why does that terrify people? It is my choice. It was their choice to get married young and be unhappy (I’m generalizing). You don’t hear me lecturing them about the responsibilities of marriage.

When I get questions about my intentions for the future I really like to just say, “I don’t believe in marriage.” Or “I don’t want children.” People tend to look at you like you are insane. and then they like to lecture you about how you just aren’t at that point yet. just wait, someday your biological clock will be ticking and you will change your mind. And then they look at you like they know something about you that you haven’t figured out yet.

what is it about the notion that I don’t want to get married, that i don’t want children, that horrifies and terrifies most people? Seriously, why do they care what I do? The decisions I make?

Personally, I don’t really get marriage. I mean you always hear that half of all marriages end in divorce. and who knows about the half that stay together…are those people really happy? From what I have seen, no not really.

I found the following chart from a website completely devoted to the subject…

Divorce statistics in America for marriage

Marriage Divorce statistics (in percent)
First Marriage 45% to 50% marriages end in divorce
Second Marriage 60% to 67% marriages end in divorce
Third Marriage 70% to 73% marriages end in divorce

* Source of this Divorce Statistics: Jennifer Baker, Forest Institute of Professional Psychology, Springfield

That is just depressing. And honestly, that 50% that is divorced are happier than the half that are suffering through their marriages, sticking it out for the kids or for religious reasons. Honestly, I never got the whole staying together for the kids thing. As a child whose parents are still together after 25 years, I always wished that my parents would get a divorce. They never seemed happy and when they would fight it would tear me up. I hated seeing it. They never seemed to love each other and honestly they still don’t. I have gotten past the wishing for the divorce thing though. they are both adults and can make their own decisions…But seriously, kids aren’t stupid. They can see what is going on with their parents, and if you think that staying in a loveless, unhappy marriage is helping them think again. I am no psychologist but I am speaking from my own experiences. I don’t think parents realize that their relationships affect their children.

One of my professors told us that after 9/11 NYC saw more life changing decisions than ever before (there was a study on it). More people quit their jobs and got divorced. People realized that life is too short to be in miserable marriages, miserable jobs, and miserable situations.

It really sucks that we have to wait till a tragedy to open our eyes and change our lives.

If I end up with someone, I want to be with them because I love him not because I have to. Same with the guy. I don’t want someone staying with me because we are married, not because he wants to.

100 things i love part 7

61. Sparkles

#62. Public Art

#63. Music that fits the mood

#64. Discovering a song, that you listen to over and over

#65. Dancing- but only when it feels right 🙂

#66. Mediterranean Food

#67. Synchronicity

#68. Ambidextrosity (is that a real word?)

#69. Loving someone. Regardless.

#70. Babies. I will be a first time aunt soon! I am sooo excited :):)

enough

I want you to love me enough.

enough to let me go. enough to see that you are holding me back. i want you to love me enough to know it’ll never work and you’ll just end up breaking my heart. enough to know that what you are asking me isn’t fair. enough to think i deserve better. enough to think you are being selfish.

i want you to love me enough to set me free.

because i am not strong enough to let you go. because i love you enough.

enough to hold on despite everything. enough to push you forward. because i love you enough to blindly, to stupidly believe in our future. because, despite everything, i love you enough to have faith in you, in us. enough to knowingly be your escape. a fantasy. because i love you enough to not ask for anymore than i know you are capable of giving. enough to give up everything for you.

because i love you enough to set you free.

normal

It is funny when someone points something out to you and you realize that you knew it all along. like you just needed them to say it to make it real. and you realize the lengths you go to get them to say it to you.

but why cant i just say it to myself?